


A Voice for the Radio

by RomeoWhereforeArtThou



Category: John Mulaney - Fandom, Spider-Man (Comicverse), Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Experimental Style, Love story between a thinly disguised John Mulaney and Spider-Man, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Well comically noir style
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2019-11-09 03:09:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17993714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RomeoWhereforeArtThou/pseuds/RomeoWhereforeArtThou
Summary: Spider-Man Noir is in a romance with a radio host named J(ohn)im M(ulaney)allane“—And don’t even get me started on those fucking nazis!” His proclamation was the last nail in the coffin, so to speak, before I became completely smitten with this man.





	1. Chapter 1

I was in my office drinking a chocolate egg-cream and listening to the police radio, sweating up a storm from the mask.

Waiting for clients, sometimes they don’t come, those the nights I dread the most.

When a man comes in what would be a tan suit, and beige trench coat if this wasn’t in grey-scale.

 

“You are the Spider-Man, I’ve heard so much about?” He talks with an elegant radio voice I’d heard before. He was more attractive than I envisioned, not that I’d ever envisioned him.

 

“That depends who’s looking.” I’d known who was when I asked, I’d recognize that voice with or without the spider-nonsense.

 

“Not that the mask didn’t give it away.” He mutters, making a face. Before remembering himself, “My name is James Mallane, and I need an investigation done privately.”

 

    “Well, Mr. Mallane, I am a Private Investigator.”

 

He tells me he got the wrong attention from the wrong people recently and was getting death threats, and wanted them to stop.

This is a dangerous town, with dangerous people, and even more dangerous were the gangs.

Like rats their families flood the streets and harm the innocent. I can’t stand them.

“—And don’t even get me started on those fucking nazis!” His proclamation was the last nail in the coffin, so to speak, before I became completely smitten with this man. That man, with feminine hips, a voice for the radio, and a face for the screen. That man, who was now being relentlessly pursued by gangsters, unless I did something about it.

 

“It all started, when I first got my show, I am a radio personality.” But he didn’t need to explain, I knew of his works more than I would care to admit, I listened to his voice for 6 hours straight once.

 

I offer to walk him home, he has the wrong people looking for him and I want to make sure he gets there safely. I knew a gentleman like Mr. Mallane, would offer to let me inside, but I was so attracted to him, I wasn’t certain I could behave myself.

And loving me is a danger, loving me is treacherous, loving me would mean loving the line of life and death itself. Not to mention seeing me outside the mask, I’m sure he’d be disappointed.

Regardless I couldn’t go inside, so I took him to his door and disappeared before he could turn to ask me inside. I watched him from a distance making sure his door was locked safely. Before leaving and beginning my investigation, privately.


	2. A Proper Introduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim meets, spider-mans business-core persona

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it’s been months, but the plan I had for this story wasn’t making me happy. I think this direction is more compelling and interesting to write. I Konmarie’d the fuck outta this story and especially the chapter. Y’all may be shook tho

The morning is beautiful, and the sky a cheerful gray. But I am incapable of enjoying it.

I’ve spent the better part of my evenings with Mr. Mallane; who is naturally my top priority. But I can’t cancel work any more than the average joe these days, men are becoming dispensable. I need the money to keep me and the Spider Shenanigans afloat. 

 

“Mr. Parker!” A shriek pulled me from my thoughts. It was Mr. Jameson's secretary, Eloise, glaring and waving at me to go toward her. “Mr. Jameson, wants you for a special celebrity guest interview.”

 

‘Don’t mess it up.’ Was unspoken.

 

I made my way to his office, coffee and file in hand, bracing myself for the cutting words I knew were coming. Opening the weighty mahogany door, I was shaken, completely blindsided, there was my client, my one-sided love, James Mallane. I’d say it was fate, if I believed in such a thing.

 

“Good—good morning Sir. Mallane.” I nodded making eye contact with Mr. Mallane. 

 

    “Parker, that’s Mr. Mallane to you! And I won’t have you disrespecting him! I don’t know why on God’s Earth he requested you to conduct his interview, but you better be—!” In spite of JJ’s barking at me, Mr. Mallane didn’t break eye contact with me. Which, if it meant what I thought it meant, was very promising. My heart swelled with the idea of possibility. It was thrilling. 

“—Parker, discuss his special. You’re gonna steer away from anything personal, and you’re gonna make this newspaper look good. Capisce?”

  
  


“Yes, sir.” Reaching my hand out slowly, deliberately, pausing, allowing Mr. Mallane to take it. “Mr. Mallane, it’s a pleasure.”

 

He holds his grip, his hand is fits in mine comfortably well. Heart-pumping and blush-inducingly well.

 

     “Call me Jim.”

 

“Peter Parker, nice meeting you.” I let go of his hand, trying to appear unaffected, as if it weren't for the first time in years I held someone’s hand and felt something.

 

“Don’t just stand there braiding your hair, get the hell out!” While chasing us out. I turned to Jim.

 

“You heard the man, let’s get out of here.” Chuckling and leading us to the elevator.

 

“Where to, reporter man?” He asked chuckling awkwardly. Endearingly so. He was handsome beyond belief.

 

“I know the perfect place, but you promise you’re not going to tell my boss?” 

 

“I don’t squeal, pal.” Patting my shoulder, “Anyways, lead the way.” 

 

And so we went, I took him to see a picture, then to eat. It could not have gone more spectacularly. He was wonderful. What a man! God! I could spend all the time and money in the world on him. If he’d let me.

He seemed to welcome the idea of us continuing to see one another.

We spent our following evenings together, he was captivating. He was so odd and strange, his life was so interesting. I hoped so much that we would become an item. But I’m likely the least desirable of prospects. Dare I hope? Nay.

 

Several weeks later, as I lay pressed against his body, I remember two years prior. I was recovering from a torrid divorce, when his iconic radio show played, my favorite bit to this day. “A Horse in the Hospital”, I roared with laughter in ways I truly felt I never could again. But now, I can’t remember a recent pleasure beyond his company and his flesh touching mine. Jim’s mind was expansive, his tongue witty, his presence warm. 

But for as long as I’ve known of him, admired him, and desired him, I never thought my wants may become a reality. I feel so fortunate for him to decide I’m worthy of his attention. Yet I’m hiding something from him. I’m being ingenuine, I am keeping truths to myself, I am lying to him. How do you explain such a thing to a sweetheart? Someone so great and in ownership of your heart and soul.

He’d be disgusted at my dishonesty, just like I am with myself. 

I could have sat in self-conflict forever, till Jim began to stir. I lifted my head from the crevice of his shoulder. His sleepy eyes looking up at me were almost enough to make me forget my guilt. Almost.

 

“Good morning?” He said peering up at me, warmth emanating from his gorgeous light eyes. I wondered what color they might be, were they not trapped inblack and white. 

 

“Good morning.” A smile spreading on my face.

 

And life goes on, my photography still sells, as did my article of my Beloved. I spent my early mornings fighting crimes, my daytime with tedious journalism, and whatever moments I could with Jim. 

Jim, who had hired the Spider-Man, my secret life, the spider who wove the web of lies I’d entrapped myself in. I chose not to dwell. . . For now. His investigation has gotten nowhere, I almost exhausted all my sources. Almost. But I’d never go to such lengths beyond horrible desperation. I hadn’t neared such hopelessness yet.

I decided it was better to be incognito, I put on a suit and a hat and traveled across town to an expensive-looking yet seedy bar. Where the gangsters met, but fascists avoided. I sat in a dark corner and strained my eyes and ears for details, taking great care to smoke a cigar to conceal my face. Quiet jazz plays, it makes me restless. Throughout the evening I catch pieces of broken conversation. I’ve heard no mention of Jim thus far. I hoped that was a good thing, but hope is a dangerous thing to have at times like this. 

 

“What do you mean you have nothing on the man?” A large man exclaimed, fuming mad. Drawing my attention immediately.

 

“Wells boss, he's squeaky clean, we couldn’t even find anything from Georgetown. Fella was even at parties but alls he did was drink perfume and do coke.” His lackey shrank further as he failed to satiate his angry superior. I choked on a puff of smoke. I tried not to make a scene.

 

“Well find something or face the consequences, you and everyone else on this.” He hissed.

 

I knew what I was looking for. And I’d found it. Who else went to Georgetown and drank perfume at parties. I expected it, yet my heart sat in my stomach, which clenched around it quite painfully. I puffed once more, before putting it out and trying as inconspicuous as possible.

I made sure no one watched me leave. I was sure no one watched me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this! Give me feedback if you’d like. Would u want to see Jim’s perspective?? Let me know! Thank u so much for reading

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so if you’re interested in more please let me know as the first chapter is more just an experiment.  
> Also any flaws and (respectably written) criticism is well appreciated!


End file.
